Military leaders channel incorrect Clausewitz in Pentagon seance

April 14, 2019

KHOST, Afghanistan — A U.S. Military ahead observer’s bracket is “completely screwed” after solely the primary spherical, sources confirmed at the moment.
Bracketing is a typical follow amongst informal observers and nearly solely happens within the post-winter months after the hangover of soccer season dissipates and the snow recedes. This era is commonly referred to as “March Insanity” or the “combating season.”
Sgt. Andrew Shelbet hoped to win fame, glory, and $110 along with his bracket, however he knew it was a misplaced trigger after the primary spherical.
“I attempted to regulate fireplace on a bunch of Taliban within the open, however the first spherical went approach over my head, then over the enemy, after which over a goddamn ridgeline,” mentioned Shelbet. “It was completely fucked. I couldn’t even naked the affect of the second spherical.”
Shelbet tried to cover his embarrassment by claiming to be a disinterested observer.
“Look, I solely do like one bracket a 12 months, and I don’t even hassle with the remainder of the season. Many of the 12 months, I’m completely devoted to my fantasy soccer workforce, the Huge Dick Fisters,” he mentioned.
In the meantime, rumors are swirling that Military Employees Sgt. Zeke “Lion” Williamson, presently deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Helmand province, has maintained an ideal bracket throughout this 12 months’s March Insanity.
Curiously, the NCAA and Vegas insiders have expressed curiosity in Williamson and his bracket.
“They contacted me asking for proof of my excellent bracket, so I despatched them the drone footage,” mentioned Williamson. “It was fucking sick. Two rounds of adjusting fireplace, then fireplace for impact, motherfuckers! Guts went flying in all places. I estimated a minimum of 12 enemy KIA. Good bracket.”
Williamson now faces UCMJ motion for releasing the footage, however maintains it was “completely value it to provide the world an ideal bracket.”
Shelbet, alternatively, has been disinvited from his unit’s 2020 bracket pool.

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